Funny, what a differences a couple of days make. My last post was about all the positive things that I have in my life & I wouldn't trade it for anyone & on how happy I was.
Last night & today I haven't been able to stop crying. I feel like an emotional wreck.
My youngest sister told us last night she was pregnant, 5 weeks. I didn't know how to react. We were sitting around my parents kitchen table with them, my sister & her partner when she tells us. I'm just frozen in my chair, I did all the verbal congratulations you are suppose to do but it was like I was on auto pilot. But I physically couldn't get out of my chair & give her a kiss & hug. How cruel is that.
I just felt like I was ambushed, I had my parents sitting there looking at me for my reactions & then my sister too, who fully knew our situation. I thought she would of had the decency to take me aside & tell me one on one... I was devastated... I held it together for as long as I could, then I had to remove myself from the situation. I went down the other end of the house, which then my sister followed.
The thing is I didn't know how I felt, envious, annoyed, hurt or disappointed with her. It was only about 5 weeks ago we went for a coffee and had a real deep & meaningful conversation about her relationship with her partner, she was thinking of leaving him. They have been together about 2 years and it has always been a volatile relationship. He has substances issues and he is very selfish. He is still a big kid himself, if he doesn't get his own way he will throw a tantrum until she gives in, she has to control the money otherwise he will spend it on drugs, alcohol or smokes. Also he just doesn't know his limits.
The thing that really hurts me the most is that I remember my sister being carefree, fun & always the life of the party, however I haven't seen this side of her for a very long time, well since they have been together. It's like she is his mother not his partner, keeping him in check all the time, in the process she has sacrificed her own fun loving personality & ways. It also scares me what type of father he will be, will he be able to offer the hands on & emotional support she is going to need. Can he change his selfish ways. I really hope so for the sake of my sister & the baby. Through my tears I also told her, you weren't strong enough to leave him in the past when things weren't going good, please promise me that you will be strong enough to leave him in the future if there are problems, especially for the sake of the baby.
Also I would be lying if I didn't admit, yes I'm jealous. I have always had hope that I would be pregnant before her, not just because she is my younger sister but just because she was never in the place in her life that babies were an option. Well now they are apparently.
I'm angry too. Here we are taking disgusting tasting herbs to balance our hormone levels, we eat really healthy, we stopped drinking, we both exercise, for what.. Big fat zero.
While here they are he smokes & drinks excessively. Their diets are extremely unhealthy & I don't think they know the meaning of excercise and here they go have a couple of romps in the sheets and they get pregnant...How does that work.... Sometimes I just don't get it..
I'm also disappointed with my parents...I know I shouldn't be but I can't help the way I feel. I would consider our family very close. We would see my parents at least 1 or 2 times a week. The thing is they are great with the good things but they aren't great with dealing with the bad things. So of course they would be excited about having another grandchild & will be happy to talk about it until the cows come home. But they aren't great with dealing with emotional problems. Not once in the 9 years of our infertility have they checked in with us to see how we were doing. No "How are you guys going?", "Is there anything we can do for you?", "Would you like to talk about it?".. (Don't get me wrong we are quite private so we may not of answered their questions, but at least if they are asking, it allows us to know they care). It's like if they don't discuss it or proach the subject it's not happening. Like igorance is bliss.
I know I will eventually get over my emotions about my sister being pregnant. I just need time for it to sit right with me. I love my sister & regardless I also know that I will be there for her 100% even though I disagree with her situation.