Over the years I have found it easy to get caught up in my own situation.
When you are dealing with infertility you are living the stresses,
disappointments and sadness first hand and it’s your life.
You get consumed by it all and I think we look at other peoples
lives and only see the good things and wish we could be like them,
eg have your very own little family.
Over the last couple of months I have really started to notice things about other peoples lives & I have realised “You know what I don’t want to be like anyone else” I know I have my very own grief & heartache with not being able to fulfil my dream of becoming a mother but you know what everyone has their own issues, problems or family dramas that they have to deal with.
It has also made me appreciate the great things I have in my life. My fantastic & adorable husband, my strong relationships with my family, (even with my in-laws, can you believe I love them & we have a great bond), my loyal, dependable & trustworthy friends, my lovely dream home, the fabulous holidays we have & the special connections I have with my nieces, nephews & godchildren.
You know what I don’t want to be in anyone else’s shoes at the moment. I don’t wish to be my dear friend who is cherishing every day with her paraplegic brother who only has days to live. Or another friend who lost all their money investing with a “close friend” and has to start from scratch, or my SIL who has extreme anxiety and can’t leave the house & her children are living with a “sick” mummy, or my own sister who is in a relationship with a guy who (1.) Has drug & alcohol issues (2.) Throws 2 year old tantrums if he doesn’t get his own way (3.) I think he needs a mother not a wife. I also don’t wish to be the person who’s car is on it’s last legs but the husband won’t purchase a more reliable one because “What’s in it for him”., as he won’t be driving it. The fact that it will actually be getting his wife & kids safely to & from school & work means nothing to him. Or I don’t want to be that person whose 13 year old stepson has falsely reported them to the police for hitting him, as he has abandonment issues because his birth mother left him with no trace at the age of 4. Also I don’t want to be the person who has reconnected with their father after 12 years only to realise that they haven’t missed anything in that time & that he is as disturbed as they remember.
So no-one’s life is without their own obstacles or heartache.
My husband & I had a deep & meaningful last night and I told him “You know what babe, if we don’t have kids, we will be okay”. And I really believe that because of our strong and committed relationship. I told him I’m not giving up yet but if the times comes and we say enough is enough, I know we will be all right. And I have also come to realise having kids doesn’t solve all your problems it just creates different ones.