Wednesday, December 29, 2010

We survived

We did it, we survived Christmas. We hope you did too..

We were both very anxious to see how things would go with my sister & partner considering with the issues we have been having leading up to Xmas.  We hadn't spoken to them since the heated telephone calls we had the previous week. 

My poor mum has just had a serious operation so she is out of action for a number of weeks, so my Dad has taken carers leave to look after in that time.  So they asked us to come around on Christmas Eve to help Dad prepare some food for Christmas Day.

So this was it, this is when we were to come face to face with my sister & her partner.  How were we going to act? How were they going to act? How were my parents going to act?

When they arrived it was strange. It was like nothing had happened.  It was like the last 2 weeks hadn't happened, it was normal.  It probably helped that her partner had been drinking all afternoon, so he was in a very talkative mood.  The funny thing is that he was fully aware that my Mr W & I were bagging him the week before about their relationship & how he treats my sister.  Most guys wouldn't let that sit right with them & wouldn't be able to help themselves by slipping in suggested remarks, but he just acted like his normal self. Like it didn't happen. We just played right along. Her pregnancy was never mentioned & I didn't ask.

Then on Xmas morning we greeted it other as we would of done in the past. Gave each other a kiss & hug & wish each other a Merry Christmas. 

It was such a relief.   I don't know if they made a conscious effort not to bring up the issues.  I don't give him that much credit. I think he just did what he normal does with any issues that arises, just sweeps it under the carpet.  I don't really care, but in this situation it worked for us.

It was not so good to see the normal issues that we have witnesses in their relationship haven't made and changes yet.  She is still treating him like a 2 year old. Making sure he was eating because he had been drinking.  Negotiting with him about how many smokes he can have and giving in to him and driving him down to the shop to buy more.  Anyway it's their lives and she knew fully what she was getting herself in to. It just cements why we had issues with them bringing a baby into their relationship.   I'm thinking she is hoping/praying that this leopard will changes it spots once he is holding that baby in his arms.  Goodluck to them.

So yes we survived.  After all the anxiety we had a wonderful Christmas with our families.  All over for another year. Just wondering what we are going to do to bring in 2011... This is going to be our year...

Merry Christmas to you & wishing you a safe New Year.  Here is to BFP for everyone..

Bee xxx

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Wow we needed that Weekend

Little did we know months ago when we got a phone call from some very close friends to see if we wanted go to U2 concert with them, that the weekend would be so important to all of us, especially emotionally!

With all the sh*t going down with my sister getting pregnant & the fall out from that, we were so looking forward to getting away for the weekend.

It was just great timing that we were heading away the next weekend to go to the U2 concert.

Firstly the U2 concert was awesome. We were amazed at the 360 stage & the special effects. I have to admit I do prefer their older music to their newer stuff. However it was also fantastic to see over 55,000 people do the Mexican wave in the open air stadium. The only down side was I wore the wrong shoes, so my poor little feet had blisters by the end of the night…(Note to self: Throw vanity out the window next time for the sake of my little tootsies)

Also my girlfriend & I were able to fit in some retail therapy, which was so overdue, while our boys stayed home & watched the cricket, to their delight. It was just great to get away & switch off from the drama and enjoy our friends company.

We find ourselves extremely lucky to have small number of friends we can confide in. It is great when you have people in your lives that “just get it”; they are on the same level of understanding & are always there to offer support & an ear. The interesting thing is our most loyal & trustworthy friends do have kids & we are a great part of their lives, which never has been a problem with us, I think purely because of the open & supporting relationships we have.

These friends (Mr & Mrs D) we spent the weekend with are definitely on the same page as us, we have very similar values & morals so we can spend hours discussing life’s trials & tribulations. The interesting thing is Mr D is also a psychologist, so we always appreciate his opinions and he always gets us to look at things in different ways which can really open up your eyes.

After my last post about my issues with my sister Red Power Ranger from Infertilitee Blog commented “You were the bigger person and made contact. Love is blind and she does not sound 100% happy with her preg. So you are being the scapegoat. If she focuses on your stand off, the focus is off her preg in an unhealthy relationship. You have handled it really well...!!”

I was blown away by her comment because this is what Mr D made me realise over the weekend and he pretty much used the same words too. That my sister has been using me as a scapegoat to take the focus off her pregnancy so people they wouldn't focus on her unstable relationship. So a huge thank you to Mr D & Red Power Ranger because once I realised this I felt so much better about the situation. She is the one with the problem, not me.

So now we come back from our weekend refreshed, more settled and at peace within ourselves, after the drama week we had. We are now strong & ready to tackle what ever my sister wishes to serve up to us. BRING IT ON…

I've also come to realise to cherish the most important people in our lives, as they are so damn special.

Bee xxx

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Forced to make contact

Firstly I like to apologise if all my current posts are all about the issues that I’m having with my sister but I really need to vent and this is why I started my blog, to be my personal diary & sounding board.

Anyway I made contact with my sister, I sent her a text saying I know we need to talk, but I have something on every night (busy with Christmas functions) and then we are heading away for the weekend, so it will have to be the following week sometime. Also told her I love her no matter what.  She didn’t answer my text.

That night I get a visit from my Dad, saying that he wants us to sort it out, he rather us do it soon than later, especially with Christmas Day fast approaching.

So I rang her. Oh was she happy to hear from me, NOT, she was so short & abrupt.  Everything was my fault…….She thought it was unfair how I reacted.. Oh my god has she been living under a rock. Of course she knew that I would react badly. Firstly because she knew of my infertility issues and secondly because I knew the in’s & out’s of her unstable relationship.  The funny thing is all the issues that she has with her partner (which she was the one who told me about them, so they were from the horse’s mouth, so to speak) she is now defending & offering excuse for him.  Go figure…

Anyway I just tried to relay that I didn’t agree with how she told me and that I need time to digest it, so I can get a grip on my own emotions.  I told her it’s just a reminder of my own heartache, disappointments & failures over the last 9 years.

I also told her I just want her to be happy. I asked her, so are you happy? She said she is extremely happy!!!…. Well, the question is why isn’t she acting like it... 

I have had friends/family in the past tell me that they are pregnant (one on one mind you) & they have understood my reaction entirely and they never let my reaction over shadow their emotions of being immensely excited of being pregnant. So why should she.  She is the one who has got what she wants, she is the one that is god damn pregnant, NOT ME.  Shouldn’t she be over the moon & bouncing off the walls (I know I would be) and just show some understanding to my emotions, I not asking her to mope around. But she is too busy being angry at me & making me out to be the bad person.

The thing that gets me, she can easily hold this grudge against me but she has forgiven her partner over & over & over again for the way he has treated her…..

Also why is it, with the announcement someone is pregnant it erases all the bad stuff that is happening in their lives.  Even with my own issues aside should I be jumping for joy for her just because she is pregnant, does this overrule all other emotions I have about her volatile relationship.  Are all the bad emotions easily erased just like that because she is having a baby???

Infertility sucks………


Bee xxx

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Advice needed pleasssseee!!!!

Just going thru a tough time at the moment. So my sister dropped the bombshell last week that she is pregnant. From my last post you will see all the issues I have with that, especially about her relationship.

Anyway she rang last night & I was out having a fabulous dinner with my work girls. However Mr W spoke to her.  She had so many issues.  She wanted to know while I hadn't rang her (Well because I decided to give myself some space for me to digest the situation).  Also she said that her announcing that she was pregnant was suppose to be the best day of her life but she left our parents extremely upset.  I do totally get that, if or when we announce we are having a baby I would hate for someone to rain on my parade.  

BUT she just doesn't get it. She doesn't understand how she announced it was like I felt like I ambushed. She doesn't get the heartache & disappointments we have lived for the last 9 years. Anyone getting pregnant is like a slap in the face, it's just another reminder we aren't there yet.  She doesn't get that how can I be happy for her when I know her relationship is an unhealthy one, which she will bring an innocent baby into.  I know she is having a baby for all the wrong reasons - maybe this is not my place to judge... God knows, I'm confused.

I haven't spoken to her myself yet as I said before, giving myself some space to digest the situation.  But I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to say.  I love my sister & want her to part of my life going forward but it's just a tough situation.

Any advice would so muchly appreciated. Have you had to deal with anything similar.


Bee xxx

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Lifes a B*TCH

Funny, what a differences a couple of days make.  My last post was about all the positive things that I have in my life & I wouldn't trade it for anyone & on how happy I was.

Last night & today I haven't been able to stop crying.  I feel like an emotional wreck.

My youngest sister told us last night she was pregnant, 5 weeks.  I didn't know how to react. We were sitting around my parents kitchen table with them, my sister & her partner when she tells us.  I'm just frozen in my chair, I did all the verbal congratulations you are suppose to do but it was like I was on auto pilot. But I physically couldn't get out of my chair & give her a kiss & hug. How cruel is that.

I just felt like I was ambushed, I had my parents sitting there looking at me for my reactions & then my sister too, who fully knew our situation.  I thought she would of had the decency to take me aside & tell me one on one... I was devastated...  I held it together for as long as I could, then I had to remove myself from the situation.  I went down the other end of the house, which then my sister followed.

The thing is I didn't know how I felt, envious, annoyed, hurt or disappointed with her. It was only about 5 weeks ago we went for a coffee and had a real deep & meaningful conversation about her relationship with her partner, she was thinking of leaving him. They have been together about 2 years and it has always been a volatile relationship.  He has substances issues and he is very selfish.  He is still a big kid himself, if he doesn't get his own way he will throw a tantrum until she gives in, she has to control the money otherwise he will spend it on drugs, alcohol or smokes. Also he just doesn't know his limits.

The thing that really hurts me the most is that I remember my sister being carefree, fun & always the life of the party, however I haven't seen this side of her for a very long time, well since they have been together.  It's like she is his mother not his partner, keeping him in check all the time, in the process she has sacrificed her own fun loving personality & ways.  It also scares me what type of father he will be, will he be able to offer the hands on & emotional support she is going to need.  Can he change his selfish ways. I really hope so for the sake of my sister & the baby.  Through my tears I also told her, you weren't strong enough to leave him in the past when things weren't going good, please promise me that you will be strong enough to leave him in the future if there are problems, especially for the sake of the baby.

Also I would be lying if I didn't admit,  yes I'm jealous. I have always had hope that I would be pregnant before her, not just because she is my younger sister but just because she was never in the place in her life that babies were an option.  Well now they are apparently.

I'm angry too. Here we are taking disgusting tasting herbs to balance our hormone levels, we eat really healthy, we stopped drinking, we both exercise, for what.. Big fat zero.

While here they are he smokes & drinks excessively.  Their diets are extremely unhealthy & I don't think they know the meaning of excercise and here they go have a couple of romps in the sheets and they get pregnant...How does that work.... Sometimes I just don't get it..

I'm also disappointed with my parents...I know I shouldn't be but I can't help the way I feel. I would consider our family very close.  We would see my parents at least 1 or 2 times a week.  The thing is they are great with the good things but they aren't great with dealing with the bad things.  So of course they would be excited about having another grandchild & will be happy to talk about it until the cows come home.  But they aren't great with dealing with emotional problems.  Not once in the 9 years of our infertility have they checked in with us to see how we were doing.  No "How are you guys going?", "Is there anything we can do for you?", "Would you like to talk about it?".. (Don't get me wrong we are quite private so we may not of answered their questions, but at least if they are asking, it allows us to know they care).  It's like if they don't discuss it or proach the subject it's not happening. Like igorance is bliss.

I know I will eventually get over my emotions about my sister being pregnant.  I just need time for it to sit right with me. I love my sister & regardless I also know that I will be there for her 100% even though I disagree with her situation.


Bee xxx

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Is the grass always greener on the other side?

Over the years I have found it easy to get caught up in my own situation.
When you are dealing with infertility you are living the stresses,
disappointments and sadness first hand and it’s your life.
You get consumed by it all and I think we look at other peoples
lives and only see the good things and wish we could be like them,
eg have your very own little family.

Over the last couple of months I have really started to notice things about other peoples lives & I have realised “You know what I don’t want to be like anyone else” I know I have my very own grief & heartache with not being able to fulfil my dream of becoming a mother but you know what everyone has their own issues, problems or family dramas that they have to deal with.

It has also made me appreciate the great things I have in my life.  My fantastic & adorable husband, my strong relationships with my family, (even with my in-laws, can you believe I love them & we have a great bond), my loyal, dependable & trustworthy friends, my lovely dream home, the fabulous holidays we have & the special connections I have with my nieces, nephews & godchildren.

You know what I don’t want to be in anyone else’s shoes at the moment.  I don’t wish to be my dear friend who is cherishing every day with her paraplegic brother who only has days to live. Or another friend who lost all their money investing with a “close friend” and has to start from scratch, or my SIL who has extreme anxiety and can’t leave the house & her children are living with a “sick” mummy, or my own sister who is in a relationship with a guy who (1.) Has drug & alcohol issues (2.) Throws 2 year old tantrums if he doesn’t get his own way (3.) I think he needs a mother not a wife.  I also don’t wish to be the person who’s car is on it’s last legs but the husband won’t purchase a more reliable one because “What’s in it for him”., as he won’t be driving it. The fact that it will actually be getting his wife & kids safely to & from school & work means nothing to him. Or I don’t want to be that person whose 13 year old stepson has falsely reported them to the police for hitting him, as he has abandonment issues because his birth mother left him with no trace at the age of 4.  Also I don’t want to be the person who has reconnected with their father after 12 years only to realise that they haven’t missed anything in that time & that he is as disturbed as they remember.

So no-one’s life is without their own obstacles or heartache.

My husband & I had a deep & meaningful last night and I told him “You know what babe, if we don’t have kids, we will be okay”.  And I really believe that because of our strong and committed relationship. I told him I’m not giving up yet but if the times comes and we say enough is enough, I know we will be all right.  And I have also come to realise having kids doesn’t solve all your problems it just creates different ones.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Happiness Voyage

You know how it is,  you get the endless jokes, chain letters or feel good emails, some you read, some you delete without reading, some you forward on and forget about.

I received this email about 3 years ago and it really hit home with me. It is the best email I have received so far.  I have found myself going back to it over the years, just to refresh it in my brain.  It is so true and I think we all could learn something from this message.

Happiness Voyage

We convince ourselves that life will be better once we are married, have a baby, then another.
Then we get frustrated because our children aren’t old enough and that all will be well when they are older.
Then we are frustrated because they reach adolescence and we must deal with them. Surely we will be happier when they grow out of the teen years,
We tell ourselves life with be better when our spouse gets his/her act together, when we have a nicer car, when we take a holiday, when we retire.
The truth is there is no better time to be happy than right now. If not, then when?
Your life will always be full of challenges. It is better to admit as much and to decide to be happy spite of it all.
For the longest time, it seems like life was about to start. Real life.
But there is always some obstacle along the way, an ordeal to get through, some work to be finished, some time to be given, a bill to be paid. Then life will start.
I finally came to  understand that those obstacles were life.
That point of view helped me see that there isn’t any road to happiness. Happiness is the road.
So enjoy every moment.
Stop waiting for school to end, for the return to school, to lose ten kilos, to gain ten kilos, for work to begin, to get married, for Friday evening, for Sunday morning, waiting for a new car, for your mortgagee to be paid off, for spring, for summer, for autumn, for winter, for the first or the fifteenth of the month, for your song to be played on the radio, to die, to be reborn……..before deciding to be happy.
Happiness is a voyage not a destination.
There is no better time to be happy then
Live and enjoy the moment