Lost

I don't know why I just feel really low and sad.  I woke up yesterday & it just sort of hit me. Off I went to work & thankfully it was busy, so I didn't even notice my own self being like this.  Then Mr W came for a visit during my lunch break & he said to me "Babe what's wrong, you just don't seem yourself"... It's funny when someone knows you so well, sometimes more than your own self and they notice when you are off.   I hadn't even realised that was how I was feeling, until he bought it to my attention. But he was right I wasn't real feeling myself.
I really can't put my finger on it, I don't know

• if I'm just annoyed at myself for placing so much pressure on myself and just not relaxing about everything; or
• being disappointed with my fertile friends who all seemed to busy with their  families for Oz Day, to catch up; or
• just sick of the days ticking by with no results; or
• was it because after visiting my BIL & SIL & their 3 kids while they were up the beach camping on the weekend, it made me remember that my fondess memories I have as a kid was our camping holidays; and realising we don't have our own kids to start making the same memories; or
• maybe it's just my body adjusting to my new gluten free diet.

You know what I think it's a combination of everything. Life can be so sh*t sometimes... You just feel lost & not sure which way to turn..I'm sure in a couple of days the dark cloud will lift, it always does.

But in the meantime I have bottle of wine chilled & I'm all ready to polish it off tomorrow for Australia Day, actually buggar it, I might even crack it open tonight.......

Happy Australia Day

DAY 1 - Going Gluten Free

The day has come. Today I start my new Gluten Free lifestyle....

Yesterday I had my Endoscopy which took a biospy to confirm if I have Coeliac but I don't get my results until late next week.  However regardless of the biospy result I am going gluten free anyway because I did test positive on a blood test.

So today is the start of a new way of life for me....Here is hoping that gluten has been my IF enemy all these years and now my IF battle can be won...

Our little Cherubs

We are extremely lucky to have some special little people in our lives. We have been honoured to be godparents to 4 beautiful kids and we have a number of wonderful nieces & nephews which are all a big part of our lives.

But today I just want to blog about 2 of our little friends. They are our little cherubs. They just melt our hearts. For the sake of this post let’s call one Angel & the other Cupid. Angel is 6 years old and is a wise old woman and is very clever, she just makes you laugh with the things that comes out of her mouth. Cupid, her little sister, is 4, she is a little devil, butter wouldn’t melt with her mouth and she is so outgoing and confident. We have been extremely lucky to have hands on involvement with them and we love spending time with these cherubs.

Just the other day I went to the shops with them and we were walking thru the car park. I was holding both of their hands and little Cupid looks up at me and says “ I like you Wee”. (Funny thing she can’t pronounce her B’s so I get called Wee, it is adorable). I just look down at her and I say “I like you too Cupid”. (In that instant you just feel your heart swell).

Or you would be at home and you would get a phone call (you know that they have you on speaker phone) and they say “So when are you coming over to play”. It’s 7.30pm at night and it’s nearly their bedtime, so not tonight. But you just can’t help your heart filling with love at that moment because all they want to do is spend time with you. Before they hang up the phone they also say “Love you, bye”.

Or when they beg to know when they can have a sleepover. When you arrive at their door to pick them up, they are so excited; they fly out the door & are nearly in the car with their pillows with a blink of an eye lid. Saying goodbye to their mum they say “See you in a couple of days mum”. I say with a laugh “A couple of days, that is news to me?”. They then inform me that they just don’t want one sleep over they want two. So it looks like we have them for the weekend. Oh well what a delight.
It breaks our hearts every time my AF arrives; you go thru the same emotions every month. “When will it be our turn?”. “Is it ever going to happen for us”. “Will we ever have a baby”. But the blow is sometimes softened when you have these little cherubs in your lives. They make you feel special and loved. You cherish every little hug, squeeze & kiss you can sneak out of them.

Our bond with Angel & Cupid is extremely precious and I know I rate as their best friend which is such an honour. (they get asked who is their best friend & they say “Wee”, once again the heart swells). We know this special bond is for life and we will be a big part of their future. They know they can always turn to us for anything and we will always be there to offer support, love & guidance just like they were our own.

We know if we aren’t blessed with our very own cherubs we are awfully lucky to have these two along with other little people we have in our lives.

Cheers

Bee xxx

She is just fat

So I saw my very new pregnant sister on the weekend.  It is still really awkward with her at the moment.  We are civil to each other but we both still don't make an effort to make converstions.

I can't bring myself to make polite conversation with her about her pregnancy or even look at her.  At this stage I'm still numb & still trying to deal with my emotions.   I don't feel comfortable in asking her things such
"Oh how are you feeling?"
"Have you had any morning sickness?"
"When are you due?". (I know in August sometime but not sure what date).

... I know this IF thing is shit & if I wasn't dealing with this, I know I would be feel different but I can't help the way I feel at the moment. Maybe it selfish but it's helping me survive.

But the funny thing is. (Well I & Mr W think it's funny).  She is only 7 weeks pregnant but she looks & is acting like she is 4 months.   Honestly I'm not making it up, if anyone saw her they would automatically think she was 4 months pregnant.  But the truth is she is just FAT & she was exactly the same before she fell pregnant.  But now she is wearing her fat belly as a badge of honour and acting like the entire thing is a pregancy belly, which isn't the case.

I know it may be mean or cruel, as I'm aware that people so start to show at different times, but this is my own insecurities & frustrating showing..

I long to be the fat one too...

2011 To Do List

At the beginning of every new year we throw around what our New Year Resolutions will be for that year.  Funny enough mine is always – To lose weight; the story of my life.

But this year I’m taking a new approach.  I’m going to have a To Do List.  These are things that I’m determined to accomplish during the year (yeah I know I could be placing added pressure on myself to achieve but anyway it’s time for a change).

So I will review the list every so often to see if I’ve been able to tick R things off my list. (the list isn’t in order)

1.               Get a BFP – I could list this for every number but have to have other things to focus on, so I don’t go looney.

2.               Have my Coeliac biopsy in January

3.               Start gluten free diet straight after biopsy

4.               Eat a balanced gluten free diet to lose weight – 5 kgs by May 2011.

5.               Cut back on my alcohol & caffeine (my only vices in life, oh actually I do still have chocolate but considering No 4, oh buggar)

6.               Relax and have the thoughts “Come what may”.

7.               Exercise at least 5 times a week – Mr W to drag me out of bed each day to do this

8.               Take my multivitamins & disgusting Chinese herbs every day

9.               Book overseas holiday –  R

10.            Go on overseas holiday – should be looking great in my bikini if I have achieved No 4 and if No 1 isn’t achieved. But if No 1 is achieved I do love a bump in a bikini.

11.            Complete my part time study

12.            If No1 isn’t achieved by May contact FS to start next lot of IVF

13.            Start looking for a new job by Sept 2011 if No 10 is done and if No 1 still isn’t achieved.

14.            Wake up everyday with a smile on my face, loving my life & being grateful for what I do have.

15.            Find a positive in every situation. (Hard to do sometimes when all you want to do is slap someone but I’m sure this will only benefit my own self being.)

So here is to me trying to achieve all 15 things on my list by 2012 but secretly hoping that No 1 is achieved sooner than later so I can throw the rest out of the window….

Cheers
Bee xxx

Respond to comments

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